Yes, No, Maybe Lists: A Simple Negotiation Checklist

What a yes, no, maybe list is

A yes, no, maybe list is one of the simplest and most useful tools for talking about wants and limits. It is exactly what it sounds like: a list of possible activities, topics or experiences, with three columns for each person to fill in. Yes means something you would like or are open to. No means something you do not want. Maybe means something you are unsure about, or might consider under certain conditions. Each person completes the list separately, and then you compare them together. The tool is popular in many communities because it makes hard conversations easier, and it is useful whether or not kink is involved.

The strength of the list is that it turns a vague, awkward conversation into something concrete and a little less personal. Instead of having to say out loud that you want something, you can simply mark a column. That small buffer can make it much easier to be honest, particularly for people who find direct conversation about intimacy difficult.

Why it works

The list works for several reasons. First, it slows things down. Thinking through each item gives you time to reflect on what you actually feel, rather than reacting in the moment. Second, it makes limits visible. A clear no, recorded in advance, is much easier to honor than one that has to be voiced under pressure. Third, it surfaces overlap. Many couples discover they share more interests than they expected, which is a pleasant surprise. And fourth, it creates a record of agreement that you can revisit.

It also supports the principles discussed in our guide to consent frameworks: consent should be informed, specific and ongoing, and a list helps with the first two. It does not replace the third, because agreements can be changed at any time.

How to build a list

You can find templates online, or you can make your own. A good list includes a range of topics, not only activities. Consider including categories such as communication styles, pacing, emotional needs, settings, roles and aftercare preferences. Start with items that feel low-pressure and move toward more personal ones. For a first list, keeping it short, perhaps twenty to thirty items, makes it less overwhelming than a huge document.

Think about your own items before you compare. Add things you are curious about that do not appear on any template. And leave room for notes, because a bare yes or no often needs context. A yes might mean yes in the right mood, with the right person or with certain conditions. Writing those details down helps your partner understand what you mean.

Fill it in separately and honestly

The most important rule is to complete the list on your own first. When two people fill one in together, it is hard to avoid glancing at the other’s answers or softening your own. Set aside quiet time, and answer as honestly as you can. If you are unsure, marking maybe is perfectly fine, and so is leaving something blank. Avoid choosing what you think your partner wants. A list based on guesses about what is expected is worse than none at all.

It can help to take our kink test first, because the profile gives you words for your preferences and may prompt items you would not have thought of. Our guide to what your result means can help you interpret it.

How to compare lists kindly

When you are both ready, sit down together at a calm time and compare. Begin with the overlaps, the items you both marked yes, since they are the easiest and most encouraging. Then look at the items where one of you said yes and the other said maybe, which are often the most interesting conversations. Finally, look at the items where one person said yes and the other said no. Handle these with particular care. A no is a complete answer, and it should not be argued with. The point of discussing it is to understand, not to change anyone’s mind.

Use gentle language. Say what you noticed, and ask open questions. Something like saying you saw that you marked this one as maybe, and asking what would help it feel more comfortable, invites conversation without pressure. The Gottman Institute’s work on communication (Gottman) emphasizes gentle starts and curiosity, both of which suit this conversation well.

What to do with the maybe column

The maybe column is often the richest. A maybe can mean many things: curious but nervous, interested under particular conditions, not sure what it involves, or open depending on mood. Treat each maybe as a topic for conversation, not as a half-yes. Ask what would make it a yes, what would make it a no, and what questions the person has. Some maybes will become yes after information and trust grow. Others will stay maybes forever, which is fine. And some will quietly become nos, which is also fine.

It is worth being clear that a maybe is never an agreement. Nobody should be expected to do something simply because it appeared in that column. Consent to try something has to be given again when the moment comes, and it can be withdrawn at any time.

Honoring the no column

Nothing matters more than respecting a no. If a partner marks something as no, it should be removed from consideration without argument, guilt or negotiation. A partner who keeps asking, jokes about it or makes the other person feel bad is damaging trust. If you find yourself disappointed by a no, acknowledge the feeling privately or with a friend, and do not take it out on your partner. A no to an activity is not a rejection of you.

Our guide on setting boundaries and limits goes into more detail about stating and honoring limits, and the explainer on safe words covers the tools you can use if something that was once a yes becomes a no in the moment.

Example categories worth including

If you are building a list from scratch, it helps to think in categories rather than a long list of specifics. Communication might include things like checking in during an experience, using a safe word, or talking afterward. Pacing might include going slowly, planning ahead versus being spontaneous, and how much time you like to spend. Emotional needs might include reassurance, privacy, affection and how you like to be comforted. Roles might include leading, following and switching. Settings might include where and when you feel comfortable. And aftercare might include cuddling, quiet time, food, water or talking. Covering these areas gives you a much fuller picture than a list of activities alone.

You can also add a section for topics you would rather discuss before trying anything, such as health, privacy and how you would like to handle it if something does not go as planned. These practical items are not romantic, but they are the kind of thing that makes experiences safer and more relaxed, which is the point of the whole exercise.

Using the list when you are not partnered

A list is useful even if you are not in a relationship. Filling one out on your own is a way of getting to know yourself, and it gives you a ready answer when a future partner asks what you are comfortable with. It can also help you notice patterns, such as items you consistently mark yes or no, which complement the profile from the kink test. Keep your list somewhere private, and treat it as a living document that you can revise whenever you like.

When you do meet someone new, you do not have to share the whole list at once. You can talk about general categories first and share specifics only as trust develops, which fits the layered approach described in our guide to bringing up kink on early dates.

Keeping the list alive

A list is a snapshot, not a contract. Your wants will change, and so will your partner’s, and revisiting the list every so often keeps it accurate. Many couples find that once or twice a year works well, or after a major life change such as a new job, a move or the arrival of a child. Comparing old and new lists can reveal how you have both grown. It also provides a gentle way to raise changes, because you can point to the list rather than having to start a conversation from nothing. Our piece on whether your kink archetype can change over time explains why this kind of change is normal.

If you are in a long relationship, you might pair the list with a regular check-in, as described in our guide on keeping curiosity alive in long-term relationships.

Mistakes to avoid

A few common mistakes can undermine the tool. Do not treat a yes as a promise, because people can change their minds. Do not use the list as a weapon, for example by bringing up a partner’s earlier answers to pressure them. Do not fill it in to impress or please. Do not ignore the context behind an answer, because the same activity can feel completely different depending on mood, setting and trust. And do not rush through it. A list completed carefully over a few evenings is worth much more than one scribbled in ten minutes.

If a list brings up difficult feelings, take a break. It is fine to pause, step away and return later. If the conversation turns into persistent conflict, a therapist informed about sexual diversity can help, and the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom offers educational material for people looking for informed support.

Frequently asked questions