How to Talk to Your Partner About Trying Something New

Why timing matters more than wording

Most advice about this topic focuses on what to say, but when you say it usually matters more. Bringing up a new interest in the middle of an intimate moment puts a partner on the spot with no time to think, and bringing it up during an unrelated argument attaches it to tension that has nothing to do with the actual topic. A calm, neutral moment, a walk, a drive, a quiet evening, gives both of you room to actually think and respond rather than react.

Lead with your own feelings, not a request

There’s a meaningful difference between “I’ve been curious about trying X” and “I need you to do X with me.” The first opens a conversation. The second can land as pressure even when that’s not the intent. Framing it around your own curiosity, what drew you to it, what you find appealing about the idea, gives your partner something to engage with rather than something to grant or refuse.

Expect an exploratory first conversation, not a verdict

One of the most common mistakes is treating the first conversation as a yes-or-no moment. In practice, most people need time to sit with a new idea before they know how they feel about it. Go in expecting the first talk to be exploratory, a chance to ask questions and share reactions, with the actual decision, if any, coming later once the surprise has worn off. The Gottman Institute’s communication research consistently finds that couples who “turn toward” each other during these moments of vulnerability, staying curious and engaged rather than defensive, build stronger relationships over time regardless of the specific topic.

What to avoid

A few things reliably make this harder: comparing a partner unfavorably to an ex or a hypothetical “someone else who’d be into this,” framing it as something wrong with the relationship as it currently is, or pushing for an answer in the same conversation. None of these are necessary, and all of them tend to put a partner on the defensive rather than opening genuine curiosity.

If you’ve taken a kink test together

If you and a partner have each taken our kink test separately, comparing results can actually make this conversation easier, since it gives you a shared, neutral vocabulary (Dominant, Submissive, Switch, Explorer, Romantic) to talk through rather than starting from scratch. Our guide on dominant/submissive dynamics and the Explorer archetype page both go deeper into specific pairings if that’s the direction your conversation goes.

Preparing before you speak

The best conversations usually start with a little private preparation. Work out what you actually want to say, and why. Is it curiosity, a wish for more closeness, a need for variety or something else? Decide how much you want to share and what you would be comfortable leaving unsaid for now. Think about what you would like from your partner in the conversation, whether that is listening, questions or simply time to think. Writing a few notes can help, because it is much easier to stay calm when you already know your main points.

It also helps to reflect on your own limits. Knowing what you are not interested in makes it easier to speak clearly about what you are. Taking the free kink test or filling out a private yes, no, maybe list, described in our guide to yes, no, maybe lists, can give you words you did not have before.

Choosing the setting

Where and when you talk matters nearly as much as what you say. Choose a quiet, private moment when neither of you is tired, hungry or rushed. Avoid raising it in the middle of an argument, right before a stressful event or in bed when the conversation could feel like pressure. A walk, a drive or a relaxed evening at home often works well, because side-by-side activities can make hard topics feel less intense than facing each other across a table.

Give your partner a gentle heads-up that you would like to talk about something personal, and say that it is nothing to worry about if that is true. That small courtesy gives them a chance to arrive in a calm frame of mind. The Gottman Institute’s research on communication (Gottman) emphasizes gentle starts as one of the strongest predictors of how a conversation goes.

Words that open doors

Openings that invite curiosity work better than openings that make a demand. You might say that you came across something interesting and would like to know what your partner thinks, or that you have been thinking about trying something new together and would like to hear their ideas too. Starting with a quiz result can be especially gentle, since it is a neutral third thing to react to, as our guide to taking the test as a couple explains.

Keep the first statement short and about you. Saying what you feel or what you are curious about, rather than what your partner should do, lowers the chance of defensiveness. Then stop talking and listen. Silence after a vulnerable statement can feel long, but giving your partner room to answer is part of the respect you are showing.

Listening well when your partner responds

Your partner’s reaction may be surprised, curious, nervous or flat, and any of those can be a first response, not a final one. Try to reflect back what you hear before you reply, for example by saying that it sounds as though they are surprised and a bit unsure. That small act shows that you are listening and slows the conversation down. Ask open questions such as what part of this feels most uncomfortable and what part, if any, feels interesting.

Resist the urge to argue, persuade or fill silences. If your partner needs time, say that is fine and suggest returning to the topic in a day or two. A partner who feels pressured will usually pull back, while one who feels respected often moves closer on their own. If a conversation becomes tense, our guide to talking after a hard conversation about desires describes how to repair and reconnect.

If your partner says no

A no needs to be heard as a complete answer. It may be a no to a particular activity, a no for now or a no to the whole subject, and the kindest response is to thank your partner for being honest. Asking whether the no is about the idea itself or about timing, pace or something specific can be useful, but only if it is asked with real curiosity and not as a way of reopening the debate.

After a no, take care of your own feelings without making your partner responsible for them. Disappointment is natural, and so is the wish to find another way to meet the underlying need. Our guide on what to do when partners’ interests do not match offers ideas for finding middle ground, and it reminds you that the need underneath an activity can often be met in more than one way.

Following up and keeping the door open

A single conversation rarely settles anything, and it should not have to. Agree on a small next step, such as thinking about it for a week, reading something together or having a second conversation at a set time. Then follow through, because keeping that promise shows that you meant what you said about going at a comfortable pace.

Over time, make the topic ordinary. Check in now and then about how you are both feeling and whether anything has changed, a habit our guide to keeping curiosity alive in long-term relationships describes. If you are exploring for the first time, our beginner’s guide to exploring safely sets out an order of steps. And if conversations keep ending in conflict, a couples therapist who is informed about sexual diversity can help, and the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom offers educational resources.

A few sample openers

If you want ready-made wording, here are some gentle ones. You might say that you have been curious about something and would like to share it without any pressure to decide. Or that you read an interesting article about relationship styles and want to know whether your partner has ever wondered about it. Or that you took a quiz that surprised you and would like to compare notes. Each opener is brief, about you and easy to decline, which makes it easier for both of you to stay relaxed. Adapt the words so they sound like you, and remember that sincerity matters more than polish.

Be patient with yourself too

These conversations are rarely smooth the first time, and that is normal. Give yourself credit for starting, and remember that awkwardness is not failure.

Frequently asked questions